Dear stupid school,
This letter isn’t to talk about the lunch selection at school.
This is about my arch nemesis.
The first time I saw Stephen, he painted a hex sign on my right arm, and I couldn’t move my fingers for three hours.
He insisted he “didn’t do anything” to me. That he “was at football practice,” and to “please leave my car now.” He didn’t understand that I needed to stake out the place and wait for him somewhere. God! What an idiot!
It was then that I knew I had to stop him from hurting others with his magical witch powers.
I tried warning everyone at school with signs I had scotch taped to all the walls and lockers. “Stephen Beckett is a witch!” Underneath was his yearbook photo. And it was also scrawled in my chicken scratch handwriting, (as to not reveal my identity when the cops inevitably would show up to arrest me.)
That was the beginning of my lawless nature and wild random escapades with exotic women. Also, I carry a gun now.
It was at that moment that I felt a hand on my shoulder. Caught. I slowly turned around just like in the movies.
Whew! It was only Gary.
“Stephen Beckett is a wrench?” Gary is so fucking dumb.
“You spelled my name wrong.”
Oh god. It was Stephen Beckett. Also behind me. I guess I didn’t see him the first time I turned.
“Oh really? Heh. I thought it was spelled right… dumbass.”
I couldn’t believe the words that forced themselves out of my mouth. Surely, I would be beat up. Certainly, the FBI would be called in to deal with the bloody mess that would be my face in mere seconds.
“Did you just whisper ‘dumbass’ under your breath?” He had a blank look on his face.
“No,” I replied.
It was at that moment that I channeled my hero, Mike “The Hungrey” Jones (sp?).
Hungry was my wrestling hero. He had defeated Gordon “Animal” Andersen and Hunk the Lion. Some of the toughest wrestlers in MLWL (Major League Wrestling League). Hunk was known to throw drinks in other wrestlers’ eyes so it stung a little and then he’d attack with a mean right hook!
“Animal” is more subdued. He’s more of a mind game player. He starts every match with a little prayer where God talks to him and tells him something he can whisper to the opponent that will really make him mad. And then, after he whispers it, he hits ‘em with a kick to the balls!
So that’s why I kicked Stephen Beckett in the balls.
James “Snake Eyes” Brady