Dear jerk school of jerking off,
This letter is to inform you that I did not steal a diamond necklace. I merely found the sucker.
I’m writing this from my personal prison hell or as the authorities like to say, “detention.”
I’m writing this to proclaim my innocence in the manner.
- I found the diamond necklace on the bus.
- I loved that diamond (sp?)
- I will not stop until I find the real murderer
Here are the things we know about the case:
- The diamond necklace was found on a bus seat.
- The culprit was a total stupid idiot because who leaves their diamond necklace on the bus?
- Luckily, I dashed in to save the day and keep the jewels all to myself where it would be safe and sound.
Now, you might be saying, “but James, how can someone just ‘find’ a diamond necklace on the bus? What junior high schooler leaves behind their diamond necklace?”
I know what it looks like. It looks like I stole the necklace and then just said I found it. Well, guess what: you’re wrong.
Now, you might be saying, “but James, why did you hide in a trash can outside a Wendy’s after you were seen in the halls wearing it? Also, isn’t it a lady necklace?”
I know what it looks like. It looks like I’m wearing a lady necklace. Well, let me tell you something: I know I look good.
Now, you might be saying in your shrill, whiny voice, “but James, if you didn’t steal it, why wouldn’t you give it to the police when they came to the school to look for it?”
I know what it looks like. It looks like I wanted to keep the necklace and sell it at a fancy jewelry store for a million dollars. Or tell somebody it was the necklace from the Titanic movie, which, by the way, nobody has ever heard of. Well, guess what: you’re not right again. Man, you are really bad at this. You need a new brain.
Anyway, that’s why I resisted arrest.
James “Snake Eyes” Brady