The Pea Story

I am the most famous 12-year-old in the United States. You know why? Because I’m president of the United States of America. How did a 12-year-old become the president??

Well, you’re probably wondering how I got here.

It started as a YouTube series, videos of pranks being pulled. Haha, there was this one time, my friend got a pea caught in his throat. We were all laughing and laughing. He was choking and turning blue. Hahah, then we had to call the ambulance and we were in such a fit we forgot to give him the Heimlich, something that could have saved his life. As they lifted him into the stretcher, the paramedic tightened the strap over his chest, then pop! The pea comes flying out into the air like some kind of giant, unruly falcon. Our jaws dropped as we could not believe this projectile making its way, carving its rocket path into the clouds, only to land directly into my agape mouth.

Suddenly, I realized the pea had become lodged in my throat now! It was at that point that my life flashed before my eyes.

My first kiss in the 1st grade, when Marie Goodwell slapped me in my face for violating her personal boundaries. How was I supposed to know you’d be so frigid, Marie Goodwell??

I kept getting these quick videos playing in my head, memories I had long since forgotten but were formidable to my lifespan development. As I stand there, gasping for air, I remembered the late night Call of Duty battles or whatever they’re called. Calling girls on the phone and hanging up on them. Even being breastfed. By my mother, I mean.

Oh god, my mother. My poor mother who I imagined would be smashed to pieces like a little G.I. Joe doll or whatever they’re called.

So I’m about to die and then just like that, the paramedic fishes the pea out of my mouth with her finger and sure enough, I survived. I call myself a survivor now.

Anyway, my friend turned out fine but boy was he mad!!!


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