A Story About God

The human species survived the apocalypse. Turns out, the Jews had it right. God really turned out to be a jealous God. God became sick and tired of all the worship of other “religions,” whether they be worship of non-Abrahamic religions, or food, or sex, or money.

Also turns out though, that the Christians were right too. God slash Jesus really did return to earth, and a lucky few, out of the entire population the earth ever to exist, got to witness the end-times.

Everyone else was wrong.

The Battle of Armageddon, which began in the year 2017, saw the world’s kings, also known as political leaders at the top of the totem pole such as “presidents” and “prime ministers,” gather around to fight the Armageddon.

But they were outnumbered by one man.

Some had predicted God would arrive in a horse-drawn chariot of fire. Well, it was 2017, in 100 AD they couldn’t predict it, but God, in actuality, arrived surfing on a 2009 Android smartphone (phones were really big back then).

And when he appeared, people stopped dead in their tracks. Children stopped playing. Business men started crying. People dropped their groceries.

He was supposed to be a huge white man with white hair, a long beard, a white robe, and sandals. That’s what the mythology was to believe.

However, he was a huge white man with a beautiful, flowing mane of brown hair, perfectly coiffed into a pompadour. He had a beard, but it was an ironic beard. His white robe was replaced by some JNCO jeans and a T-shirt with a tie and blazer printed over it. His sandals were replaced by skater shoes. Vans.

The whole population of the world could see him at once. Plants and dinosaurs died as God blocked out the sun. The neighbor’s dog stopped barking. A pro baseball player at a game hit a homerun and nobody cared.

Anyway, God was pissed.

“Come on guys, I wrote a whole book for you about this,” he said.

He spoke!

“You will now feel my wrath, my justice, and ultimately, my love.”

“What?” people said to him. Everyone was totally, totally confused.

“It’s complicated,” his booming voice carried across the world.

“Lord, are you going to kill us?” some asked.

“Just some of you, the rest are going heaven with me.” He responded.

“Why, Lord?” a meek, nerdy boy asked.

“Because you don’t worship me… enough. Anyway, now you will live in fairness.”

“What about your love, though?” a little annoying girl said.

God checked his fossil watch. “Um, well I love all of you but some of you daddy loves more so those ones get to go to heaven and the rest of you, well, you get to go to sleep… permanently. So shall we get started? Who wants the first smite?”

That’s when a flash of lightning could be shown flashing behind God. A flying saucer, in a shiny, silver disk flew through the sky. God tried to catch it like he was swatting at a fruit fly in his kitchen.

“God damn it!” He said as he struggled to fight the UFO off.

Then with a blinding flash of light, the UFO disappeared, and with it, the rest of the human species.

I know what you’re thinking. This is pretty unlikely. But it’s true. I swear on the bible.

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